“Humans Are Evolving Toward Polyamory, But We Can’t Grow Out of Monogamy Until We Learn Self Love,” Guru Says
My new spiritual guru Teal Swan says the era of marriage is coming to an end and polyamory is the way of the future, but we can’t just jump into the lifestyle without preparing ourselves emotionally and spiritually.
“As a species, when we evolve to a higher vibratory rate, the perception of separation will dissolve, we will not have the desire to pair bond and marriage will cease to be a function of our society,” Swan says in a YouTube video about marriage.
Swan says people are rejecting the archaic institution of marriage – particularly monogamous and polygynous marriage – for good reason. The concept of marriage was born out of the concept of property and ownership, shortly after the advent of agriculture, around 10,000 years ago. Along with land, crops and animals – women and children became the property of men. Marriage ensured that women would remain sexually monogamous to their husbands, so men were not passing on their wealth to other men’s children.
Though people have sought to transform traditional marriage from its purely economic function to a romantic one over the last couple hundred years, it still feels stifling and restrictive to many seeking deeper connection and intimacy with whomever it may arise, whenever it may arise. Because, as Osho says, marriage and intimacy are not not the same thing:
“Marriage is a way to avoid intimacy. It is a trick to create a formal relationship. Intimacy is informal. If a marriage arises out of intimacy it is beautiful but if you are hoping that intimacy will arise out of marriage, you are hoping in vain. Of course, I know that many people, millions of people, have settled for marriage rather than for intimacy – because intimacy is growth and it is painful.”
Even though traditional marriage has disappointed countless generations of would-be lovers – Swan says polyamory is not a cure-all for its failures. The people entering polyamory merely as a rebellion against marriage are skipping a step, and will likely find themselves in the same world of hurt they felt trapped in within marriage.
If we’d never learned to commit to marriage or long-term relationships, Swan said, “we’d likely run from person to person to person when the going got tough. When our shadows were reflected to us through our partner, we’d run to the next partner for a couple of months of joy based on our biochemical sexual reactions.
“But then our shadows would crop up through that person as well, and we’d keep bouncing from person to person trying to escape our shadows instead of facing and transforming them.”
Swan says our spouses or primary romantic partners are our most important tools for self awareness and growth – “Committing to your partner is the same as committing to self awareness.”
You can’t stay happy in a long-term relationship without evolving, she says. “The only way to remain together is to develop flexibility and openness and to become your highest self. So marriage in and of itself is a spiritual practice – AKA mirroring. This person is going to mirror you and your vibrations exactly.”
“The perspective that comes along with being pair-bonded as a unified couple is an immense vibrational improvement upon the perspective of independent individuality, or the ego,” Swan adds.
The future can’t happen until we heal our past
Swan said many members of the New Age community are supporters of polyamory, because they see it as the direction the human race is inevitably headed.
“From the highest perspective – the universal perspective – everything is you. Every person in existence is you. So choosing or prioritizing one person [relationship] over another makes no sense.”
But often, living out our ideals causes us and our partners intense pain.
“Most people in society today are not capable of polyamory,” Swan says. “Why? Because we all base our self-esteem off of our primary relationships, especially romantic ones. This is due to how we were parented as children. Until the way we parent changes, most people will be dependent on others for their self-concept.”
“Most of us don’t love ourselves. You cannot move into a polyamorous relationship if you do not love yourself.”
In addition to learning to love ourselves, Swan said we should practice loving one other person well, before attempting to partner with many.
“We can’t skip from where we are to pure alignment with polyamory. This is not a step most of society is ready to make, because most of us have not even figured out how to have harmonious monogamous relationships.”
“For those of us who don’t love ourselves completely, the next step we need to take is allowing ourselves to enter a relationship where someone chooses us and only us as their partner and mate in life. If you would like to experience a monogamous relationship with someone who thinks the sun rises and sets with you, that experience is meant to be yours.”
“Maybe you’ll get into this fabulously monogamous relationship and after years of experiencing that, you’ll be ready to change and evolve into the next phase, which is a polyamorous relationship, or maybe you’ll decide monogamy is wonderful and stay in it for the rest of your life.”
Either outcome is fine, Swan says – “Marriage can destroy lives. It can also provide an opportunity for healing on many levels. This is why the vows should read ’til expansion do us part.'”
Are we ready?
Swan says many people are attempting to “do” polyamory simply out of spite for monogamy.
How do we determine whether we are truly ready for polyamory or just in resistance to monogamy?
“The way you can tell is if the people you attract on a romantic level resist your polyamory. You will continually find people who want only an exclusive relationship with you. You will perceive yourself as hurting people by staying true to your polyamorous nature,” Swan says.
“If you were truly in alignment with polyamory, you could only experience other people who were also in alignment with polyamory.”
Swan is not the first spiritual guru to speculate that marriage will one day be a thing of the past:
“Marriage is going to disappear, should disappear. And now the point is coming in the history of humanity where it becomes possible that marriage can disappear. It is already an outmoded phenomenon, it has lived too long and it has created nothing but misery. Marriage should disappear and love should flower again. One should live with insecurity and freedom.” ~ Osho
Originally published on PolyamoryDiaries.com