Road Trip to Nowhere: Day 1, Nashville

August 28, 2017 at 1:37 am

First day of our indefinite road trip to nowhere. Mixed feelings. I mostly feel happy, relieved, free.

But still a little anxious. Still have a ton of “busyness” deprogramming to do. Still have a hard time relaxing. Sitting still. Being present.

Those damn, obnoxious kid videos don’t make it any easier.

I’m using my crutches (coping mechanisms) to help me meditate, but something’s still amiss.

I can’t get quiet enough inside my head. No matter how much white noise I turn on, I can’t block out the knowledge that my daughter is sitting on the other side of the curtain that divides our camper’s “living room” from our bed, watching mind-numbing, nonsense commercials, while I lament about it on my keypad:

I don’t know why I’m on my computer right now. So many people have told me they’d kill to go on the kind of adventure I’m embarking on – so I should be living it up, right?

Here I am at my sister’s old farm house just outside of the fastest growing city in the country — Nashville, Tennessee — in the company of family, old and new friends. I’ve got no job, no boss, no schedule, no clock… nothing to do, nowhere to be. And I’m hiding in my camper writing about it instead of living it.

I guess I’ve done enough socializing for one day. My whole life I assumed the role of conversation starter in otherwise awkwardly silent random groupings of people. Maybe I’ve come to resent that role. Maybe others have come to resent me for it too. I sense it’s time for me to back off once in a while and let others work through the awkwardness themselves, maybe to find out they never needed me after all. What a relief.

People keep asking “what’s your plan?” … “where are you going?” I think I’m going to start telling them the truth — “we don’t have one” … “I don’t know.”

People seem content with the slogan “life’s a journey, not a destination” but they at least want to know what “route” we’ll be taking and how long we’ll be gone. We don’t know that either.

Right now my plans consist of unwinding from a lifetime of stress and over-stimulation – kind of like a retiree, but younger.

I had a good conversation with my sister’s best friend this morning. She asked in a roundabout way what I was looking for, what I was seeking.

I guess my comment about wanting to go to Costa Rica this winter triggered her. Her ex-boyfriend is planning a trip there for the same reasons I am — spiritual awakening/ayahuasca/gurus/hopes of finding ourselves in a tropical rain forest.

“I asked him what he’s hoping to find there, and he didn’t seem to know,” she said.

“Stop seeking,” she tried to tell him. “You already have what you’re looking for, right here in Nashville.”

Funny thing is my own best friend told me the same thing several months ago in Asheville, while reading my tarot cards — the journey most of us need to take these days is inward, not outward… the kind of journey Terence McKenna recommends taking alone, in your living room on 5 dry grams of mushrooms.

It does seem to be in my cards to take this inward journey — to go deeper into myself and with my inner circle of friends… to grow roots and a sense of permanent community… but it’s the people I’m attached to — the few members of my soul tribe — not any one geographical location or way of life.

I do want to go deeper with the people I already know and love, but like a tree, I have branches too, that are dying to reach out and touch the edges of the galaxy.

So, yes, I do want to learn to just be, but I don’t know if my search for how to do that will ever end. It’s part of my “Return To Now”… Follow me on Facebook and Instagram, and I’ll keep you updated on my “progress.” 😉

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